Grief

You are sitting on me when I wake each morning, and I have to heave my way through your weight to get out of bed. You surround me all day, turning the air around me to wet concrete, and my body aches from walking in you all day. You fill me eyes with tears and my heart with pain, my head with anger and my mouth with shouting. You stand in the way of me making wise decisions and focusing properly and thinking clearly, and you rob me of my patience. Sometimes you render me useless, sometimes you strike me to the floor. You follow me to bed at night and I try to fight you off in the dark but you never give up. Lately, just as I drop off to sleep, you have been tapping me on the shoulder and waking me again, flinging unwelcome, uncontrollable tears at me before I'm barely awake.

The bad that you are is a mirrored reflection of all the good that I had. Your power and immensity are the same magnitude as my love for my husband. And that is why I will live with you forever and why you are winning this battle.

Mothers' Day

It was Mothers' Day a while back. I was encouraged to have a nice day, but it's kinda hard to organise celebrating yourself. I'm sure the kids will do an amazing job of it when they're old enough. Thank goodness for Dad, who arranged a present, and most importantly, handmade cards by the kids that I really don't want to miss out on as well. We went in to town with my brother and my Mum that afternoon - actually to celebrate her birthday.

A young family walked past us, parents with two small boys. As they passed me the woman reached out wordlessly to her husband, and he took her hand in his. The pain sliced through me like a knife from top to bottom.

Always, actually.

Sometimes at night
you have to hold on so tight
to stop the panic from exploding around the room,
shards of grief like glass lit up by the moon.
And there's noone to hold on to,
and there's just,
well there's just,
noone to hold you.